descriptions of pain

2007-09-09T17:39:00.000-07:00

hello all faithful readers...i apologise yet again for not being frequent enough but with every apology i make there is a good reason for bringing u back here...this time my inspiration to write was caused by a birthday, an online friend whom i didn't have appropriate material for and also how all girls must feel when its time 2 get something for hubby dear...enjoy...

Lover's Birthday
I wake up this morn
There is a dread forlorn
My body hurts with aches
Creaks every second it wakes
I arrive at school
Avoiding many a little pool
All the while i think about your birthday
Pondering what to you i should say
If you were here everything would be so easy
The thought of a kiss makes the place breezy
Imagining your smile removes the clouds
And brings upon my heart manic pounds
Suddenly my body aches no more
My heart feels not as sore
Because you put the light in my day
The warmth in the night when you say
That you love me endlessly
And i feel it ever so deeply
I doubt there is any more that i can say
That might have a chance of making you sway
I'll just wish you the Happiest Birthday
And hope yours is as good as you made my day

2007-07-03T18:38:00.000-07:00

i know I've been off the blog for ages. I've also lost most of my real writing inspiration time because i don't have school exams as often and easy as before...thats the bad news. the good news is that I've written recently...just last night in fact. its not a poem its not a song...its not a story either...i guess you could call it an article. hope you enjoy!

Miss World Pageant
I don't remember which year...
"If you could have one wish, what would it be? That's easy! World Peace!"
because they say the same thing every year.
Maybe thats what they're trained to say.
For their sake of wanting it, the world has never completely been at peace. No one can blame Miss World for it though. It's not like a pretty face can stop any idiot man.

World Peace. I suppose that term could mean different things to different people; depending on who you are, what your life has taught you and whose opinion you agree with. Peace on its own is just a place and state of being that one is content with to the extent that one would wish for nothing else. Its like i once heard; beauty is a summation of all the parts that is so perfect that nothing needs to be altered, replaced or removed.

All three of those definitions, as are any other, are open to interpretation.

With this knowledge comes an understanding - possibly- of why "war-torn" countries remain so today. All religions and their respective sects take their own beliefs and practices to be best. This includes those "religions" that don't believe in a God or many Gods or any God for that matter.

Basically there can be no World Peace unless everyone agrees on ONE lone definition of peace. The agreement effort itself would be too time consuming and would spark war on its own. Human nature cannot be helped.

Human beings are the most superior being on this planet. Naturally we are also holders of the greatest power; to appreciate and sustain or to destroy and ignore. Those who understand their powers are divided.

I know my place in the hierarchy of nature but also in the human realm. If it takes my effort to become Miss World so that people know I actually want World Peace and even then I am powerless to the ammunition then I must be powerless from the beginning.

I don't feel pretty, I don't feel smart, I don't feel intelligent, I don't feel like I'm important. My life has not been my envisioned of peace and beauty as much as I want it to be. After all the reasoning & evaluating I've done, as far as I'm capable, I only have 2 choices; one to be content with whatever little insignificant efforts I can make, and the other to be wishing I was mindless so I could be peaceful as an untroubled being living only on instinct.

Sometimes I live one of those 2 options and sometimes the other. I have no doubt I could devote myself wholly to one. I need only the positional power of the human realm that is unattainable from my position.

I speak not only for World Peace but for all efforts that are supposed to be world-wide. Global Warming. Pollution. I know not of those things that are more depressing and more current. They're all current to me. Everyone has limits. There is only so much sadness and pity I can feel.

If there is a God, He ain't shown me no mercy.

2006-11-30T19:45:00.000-08:00

to guys reading this, it may chill u to the bone but its probably wat d gurl hu's in love wit u is thinking....but u wont know coz she doesn't wana scare u away...here goes...

Whispers of a girl in deep love
Right now, you're the only one on my mind as i push other thoughts aside. I remember our most recent kiss as it gives a sort of bliss.

People say 'how did I live life without you'
But I say 'my life begins and ends when you do'
Before I lived life wondering where to wander next
And now my path has shown itself and it leads me back to you

Whatever this means
I'll work at making you happy
Because my heart feels lighter
When I hear your voice
See your smile
Thats all I live to hear
And thats all I live to see

What was said has been said
What has happened cant be remade
And thats why I dont have a care
For the past is just another nightmare
When you're here with me now
I get a glimpse of how

Whatever this means
I'll work at making you happy
Because my heart feels lighter
When I hear your voice
See your smile
Thats all I live to hear
And thats all I live to see

2006-11-30T01:42:00.000-08:00

believe it...exams can be inspiration...actually, boredom from exams...waiting 4 d time 2 b over, i wrote this...

To : Santa Claus
He is my map of the road that sets me free
He is the one, I'm as sure as can be
When he holds me close all through the night
Keep me warm until again its light
I'll never lose this love for him

There may not be much that he's bought for me
I guess its when all you want is everything
Its in all he does for me
Thats when i realize its him everything is in

So my wish this year
Is for everything that i hold dear
Bring to me if ever you can
Just maybe as you are too a mere man
Give me the one thing I cherish so
Give it to me so i will know
I'll have it in hand
As best as i could sand
Time to spend so I can mend all I've done wrong to him
And be forever with him as he is with me
In my heart
Till death do us really part.

2006-06-24T08:57:00.000-07:00

this time i have an actual school assignment...its an essay...i modified it so i could put it here...its about my grandparents...enjoy...

My grandparents, both maternal and ferternal are separated. I have no idea what happened to the relationship between my ferternal grandparents. He is still alive, as far as I know, having left my father and his siblings with his mother, had remarried and started a whole new family I am clueless about. Like most men who left their first set of children, he only stepped back into the family when my father needed tertiary education. My grandfather paid for that education fully, from what i know, and never said another word to his first family.

My grandmother was alone in raising my father. My father often had to live with my grandmothers' friends. That had some psychological effect on him. As I am not a qualified psychologist, I am unable to say for certain wht it did to him. I think it made him very humble and respectful. Other than that, I think it made him very judgemental and distinct. Coming back to my grandmother, I dont know what her occupation was. When my age was a single number, my parents sent my sister and I to spend the weekend with her. Later on, she complained about pains in her legs. A few months later, she passed away. Details of why she died remain unbeknownst to me to this day. All i know is that it could have been cancer. Never the less, i enjoyed being in her company.

Moving on to my maternal grandparents, whom i know more about than my ferternal grandparents. he was an army officer. i dont know what exactly his rank was but i know he was an expert in signals, radio stuff. He was honourable and my mother and grandmother remain proud of his achievements. No matter how many military awards a man recieves, it cannot change bad habits like drinking and gambling, which my grandfather had a problem with. Moreover, in those days, drinking heavily was considered as a criteria an a womans list of how a man should be and what made him good. A second woman lured my grandfather away from his first family.

My grandmother, having lost her husband, became more religious and I believe it kept her sane throughout the years of bringing up my mother and aunt. She took legal action, I think, and got some money from him every month. Being a teacher, she combined her salary and what little she got from her husband and brought my mother and aunt up well. My mother always says that my grandmother is a fearless little fly. My grandmother measures five feet tall and stories tell me she swatted a king cobra - which was about 3 meters long - away as if it were nothing more than a rat. She is the only grandparent I am in contact with all the time; well every weekend actually. She is now over 80 years old, diabetic but healthy, still wakes at the crack of dawn for a morning wallk and stil driving.

From all i have said here, there are many conclusions I or anyone can come to. Marriage problems run in the family; they always do,dont they? My parents both had a tough childhood. All four of grandparents are very strong and decisive people. All that childhood history of my parents made them good parents and made my life easy because they are hardworking individuals. I am content with whatever hapened to my grandparents int he past and learnt one important lesson; even if you lose something or never had somthing, life goes on, and, the only way to do it is to think of the future, not fret over what you dont have lost, and to be thankful, albeit, grateful for what little you have at present. Things may seem small and useless at present but their value always grows with you. It takes a long while to realise their worth, so never ever complain - unless asked to do so by the management of a restaurant!

2006-05-30T06:45:00.000-07:00

well now the mid year exams are over...i havn't got anything new coz my moms camera is bunk so i'll hafta get some older picture for ya'll
this is my first drawing of a person from head to toe...somehow my ghastly hands managed 2 chop off the top of her head also....im planning on colouring this digitally but i seem to have lost adobe photoshop on my computer...oh well...:)

2006-04-30T07:26:00.000-07:00

this is the coloured version...please tell me how it is...

edited 10.02pm malaysian time 30th May 2006 because i finalised it :)

2006-04-21T05:14:00.001-07:00

hey...i wanted the picture to be separate...this is for u shao hui...since u requested pics...

2006-04-21T05:14:00.000-07:00

hey ya'll...heres a lil something...just short things...made from other inspirations...hehe

Music of Scouting
Rhythm, our foot drill
Noise, our cheers
Melody, our songs
Passion, our words

Teamwork & coordination
Like a grand orchestra
Fights & accidents
Drama of the song

That’s the music
Music of scouting

Portrait of my Life
My heart beats
With the rhythm
Of a song
That plays
When I dance
In the colours of art
In a portraitPortrait of my life

2006-04-17T05:17:00.001-07:00

hey...p.s.

that was one of my first attempt to write something happy...so please do tell me how it is...

p.p.s.
my friend told me that i should have more pictures here so i'll get that sorted out...for now...& for ur viewing pleasure, heres a lil something...

2006-04-17T05:17:00.000-07:00

hey this is meant 2 b a song but i typed it in normal poem style...easier 4 ya'll understand

2 best things
Im in between
The 2 best things that'll ever happen to me
The time we had
Will always be my greatest joy

Though when the year ends
We'll all be thrown apart
I'll miss it all so much
That i'll feel outcast again
Its happened before but i
Know right now that

I'll make the best of what we have
I'll make it so we'll always have
A link within our circle
Fun & joy with all our little
Jokes & games & so we always are

Together in
The 2 best things that'll ever happen to us
The time we'll share
Will always be our greatest joy!

2006-04-05T06:15:00.000-07:00

hey...this is the pic...that i promised...it might be a bit big...

2006-03-25T14:44:00.000-08:00

i have a picture i drew to go with this...wil post it later...

My life is a showcase
Though not my own in any way at all
Yet i perform because I have nothing else
I am alone
Awaiting a saviour
I long for a feeling
To give a new level to my dance

Like art seen
Not touched
Like a landscape
You cannot take
I am a showcase
Seen and heard
Yet neither at the same time
I am a mere showcase

Though cheered on
Though admired from afar
In the mirror, i see not why they cheer
In the mirror, i see not what they admire
Though i can see
I see nothing but emptiness
An accidental arrangement of features
Fading away to clarify
What is behind me

2006-03-16T22:37:00.000-08:00

Clear salty liquid courses within
Sometimes so much of it collects near my eyes
It over flows
Then it begins a new route
This time, destined a downward roll
Until it evaporates
Or until it can no longer go downward

There's more liquid in this body
This one is mostly red & thick
Thickness and colour show alot less to eyes other than mine
In the thickness i see the concentration of my pain
To me, the depth of colour is the depth i have sunken to
It couldn't get more painful
I couldn't sink any deeper

The worst part is the cure
There isn't one
I endure the pain as it continues
Bombarding the only thing thats kept alive
Nerves & pain receptors

Exageration?No
Tears continue to spill
Screams continue to sound
Till eyes swell for crying
Till throat croaks from screaming
No pain is removed
I have learnt this lesson
Understtood it well
Though no one else can
I've tried

I disguise it
I've learnt how
To conceal all that i feel
Because i dont want it to spread

i need a title for this but nothing i come up with sounds right...suggestions anyone?

2006-02-24T03:06:00.000-08:00

aloha...
hey, scream, yes some people have seen my work before this blog because last time i didn't really like computers...not that that has changed but in this era i dont think u can be a teenager and avoid computers and the internet...

this one is written in the style of a sonnet...i just took the pattern...im not so familiar with the old english but i suppose its alright if i dont use old english anyway...hehe...

Stop Complaining!
I know your face
I know your name
You're an ace
But you dont have fame

Brown are your eyes
And so is your hair
Common as the skies
Is your despair

Everyone has this
But so you think not
If you only want bliss
Then it's like wanting ice not to melt when its hot

In this life where there is but irony
Please dont tell me that you want to change destiny

thats all for now...because i have things to do and people to please...not that you're all not part of them...its just that i hope this will keep you pleased till next time...hehe

2006-02-01T17:39:00.000-08:00

third song on the blog...pls comment...pls!

Leave us alone
Dusty fans are spinning
The bell in the distance, ringing
Fellow students coughing
Flipping, scratching and thinking

'Cause an exam is your future
But why do we all bother

Sometimes we all sleep restlessly
Everyone thinks they wanted to be
But they dont get that
We're different from them
Why cant you leave us alone?

Outside the world's working
Teenagers like us just wanted to say
We have ideas that you might have missed
Hear us out 'cause we just wanted to help

Chorus 1

'Cause everyone has got their own dreams
How hard we try we just cannot deny
That you had all your hopes so high
We're just different from you so
Why cant you leave us alone?

2006-01-27T18:15:00.000-08:00

this is another song i wrote...many more to come...hehe...
so just lay back and start commenting...

Actor
Sit down and put my hands on my lap
Look around, yawn, give me a slap
Stare at the lake, of which waters lap

No one's here, im all alone
The lake is empty, it has but nothing
A breeze passes, my hair is blown
Stare at this scenery, this is soothing

When i leave
The pain returns
Almost cripling
As i stand and turn
But i have to cover it up
Hold my head high and sile
As if i had no pain receptors
I carry on my role just as an actor

You see me here
Winning the best actor award
But i know this is a real life experience
Nothing was fabricated
I won because i do this everyday
Dont you know?

Chorus x2

2006-01-26T02:11:00.000-08:00

i am someone
or something you call me
that has died countless deaths
in efforts to meet your demands

endured inexplicable pain
only to have life restored
to be put through more pain
in the face of accusation

what kind of force are you
one so evil as to brong me back
for the reason that you think i should suffer more
give me a complete death
my will be written
in words too weak
let me DIE

this next piece is actually the lyrics of a song i haven't put into manuscript yet...:)

Fool of an Amateur
There's a noise around me
No one is aware
The after-rain chill is
Holding me close
I sense their glee
Mixed with something
Of stress

For you it may always be easy
For you it all comes naturally
But i will never see it your way
'Cause all i am to you is simply
A not knowing inexperienced
Fool of an amateur

Looking at it another way
I have something
Just that it's not the way you think about it

Chorus

2006-01-18T05:19:00.000-08:00

i think i have nothing much to say about myself ever at all so i shall put my creative pieces here as a record of what i write.the different colours represent different pieces.the second part of the brown piece was taken from the lyrics of Aaliyah's "i miss you". one of the few things that could make me sad and happy at the same time. if you dont understand this then you can tell me and i shall explain it...hehe :)

maybe you smell
maybe you're ugly

you may not sing
you may not dance

but when im there

i cant smell
i cant see
i cant hear
i cant move

yet im not quite dead
because you keep me going

why aren't you here?
im sad
so sad that i could cry
im angry
so angry i could scream
outside your pressence
i have no sense
i have no words
at least none outwards
i dont have strength and
i dont feel like doing anything

come back to me
can you hear me
hear me calling
for you
coz' its been too long
and im lost without you
what am i gonna do?
said i'd be needing you
wanting you

2005-12-29T17:27:00.000-08:00

since this is my first post, i will not say a lot in it. sometimes i write profusely, inexorably even.i really wonder why. its good in the sense that when it comes to exams i hav a lot to write and have no problem with the number of words.it also helps that, since im a malaysian student, the teachers of eglish are not ALL very exellent at the english language. thus, i get a high rating in their marking system. i dont think its really deserving of me to get such grades though. i feel that once i come out of malaysia, my level of the language will be nothing compared to what the americans have or even brittish or whatever. anyways...i have a brief explaination to what i am...

here goes

i am alone in a crowd
cabbot be heard though i scream out loud
whatever people say i have to bow
'cause they never understood from then till now